If you kiss my lips, would you taste the sugar-coated frosting still lingering there? Would you suddenly feel differently about me? How would you? How could you? You never cared about me the way I wanted. I never really got what I wanted. I just got the stupid left-overs... all of the bruises shaped like broken hearts. I just found my heart to be shattered, knives being pointed, fists being raised, voices growing more and more loud as time went on.

They never cared when I fell, or rather, they pushed me. I don't think you would care either, if you were the one beating it out of me. But, you didn't really want me, so you wouldn't be beating me. Does that make much sense?








I'll just stop now,
stop all of my worthless babbling that's going through your brain by the speed of light and leaving it just as it came.
Good bye, I love you. I might come back.

10 times I thought of calling him last night.
9 things I thought of to happen in my story, but I haven't written it yet.
8 times I laughed at her, because she tries to be me. She does not succeed.
7, the un-lucky number, the seven deadly sins are upon you.
6 spoonfuls of sugar to keep me happy, to keep me alive. To keep myself from breaking down.
5... the amount of times I recited your ex-lover is dead in my head. I'm not sorry I did so either.
4 times I wanted to pick up my guitar and camera, and make a video, but 4 times I denied myself of that satisfaction. I didn't have batteries.
3... 3 cups I wanted. That was all. Was that too much to ask of you? Apparently so, because we didn't have milk, or tea.
2 things I said to myself, in the depth of darkness, were "I need to replace the lights around my window." & "Maybe his phone is on now..."

1 thing I wanted to do, was call you and tell you that I was fine. Instead, I layed in bed, hoping that you could just know that I was.

It's been a long time.
And boy has it been hell.
Sure I like my life,
But sometimes you couldn't tell.

It's like when you burn everything down.

You don't have anything left to burn,

but yourself.

Self distruction is not the answer

I must tell myself.

If I don't get better soon,

I don't know what I'll do.

But trust me,

it wont be too horrible.

I'm not sorry that I met you,

I'm not sorry that it's over,

&

I'm most definitly not sorry that I have nothing else to say,

except goodbye.

It was fun,

But like you did before me,

I just lost that touch.

And now I laugh,

for how moronic everybody is being.

Even I was such a fool.

I lost my dearest possesion,

A single chapstick,

and it ruined my day just thinking about my chapped lips.

Again at last,

I found it under my chair.

The one place I had looked several times.

Ha ha ha! That was a good one.

You almost got me there.

But wait, there's more?!

Really? You have more to say?

What else is there to say, other than

"I just meant it in a friendly way."

Don't you try to play me you dumb shit,

I can see right through you.

I can see the snow outside. The snow that sunk into my converse, making my itchy socks wet and gross.

Ew.

It's like this all of the time.
I know what she says.
I know how she sayd it.
I understand it.
I just...
choose not to go that way?
I choose not to think positive?

I feel so un-loved. As selfish as it seems.

I just want somebody that wont dusgust me.

I want him,

But he may not want me.

chances may be he might love me.

Chances may be that he might not.

Chances may be he just wants me as a friend.

That will only prove me wrong.

I'll be upset.

I'll be crushed.

I'll be embarassed...

But who cares anyways?

Is it like the song says?

Whenever she's gone,
I sleep with the light on?
Whenever I don't have her by my side,
I cry until I eventually catch maybe
three hours of sleep?
Is it true,
that I need my best friends by my side at all times?

I respect her actions.

I respect her thoughts.

I respect who she is,

even if she's pressured into things.

She is my best friend,

and I love her dearly.

Britty, don't ever leave me.

If only I could be a fairy.
Invisible to the people
who don't want me.
Clear as day
to the people who truely love me.
Maybe they wouldn't see me.
Maybe they wouldn't see the
fairy dust shooing out my ass.
Maybe they wouldn't see the
beauty that wasn't hidden very well by my sadness.


Maybe then you could see,
that you couldn't see me.
So does that mean...

you don't love me?

I could care less, really.

Because they can see me.

Leave me alone.
I'm not happy.
I'm annoyed.
Just let me be.
The world isn't nice.
Not everything is fair.
I am not feeling loving today.
I am not feeling nice today.
Just stop talking to me.
Please?

Go away.

I'm annoyed.
I'm upset.
I'm hungry but not going to eat.
I'm crying but wont wipe the tears,
nor let them be wiped.
I want to dissappear.

"Stupid lying bitch who's david?
The guy who lives next door."

I really want a cream cicle right now.

It would complete my Busted fantasy.

But of course I can't have a creamcicle.

I can't even have Busted.

Not even Mattie.

Stupid celebrities.

Meh. At least I have somebody.

"I don't know you."

Fake your death.
Tell a lie.
Hide your pain.
Create a new identity.
Create a new face.
Create a new personality.
Hide away
until you're sure
your old person is gone.

Die.
Lie.
Hide.
Be re-born.
Re-create yourself.
Hide a bit more...

And then shine.

I should have known
that I wasn't the one.
Yet I seemed to get my hopes up
for something as simple as that.
He didn't care,
just kept on saying sorry.
Even if he knew deep down that I was crying.
And he was the cause.

That was my dream...

But it felt so real.

I even felt the dried tears on my cheeks this morning.

Why do I fall for these stupid,

not-real celebrities?

I may never know.

Oh, and one more thing.

Bring my chicken noodle soup, pie, and a good fucking book...

I'll love you forever.

ilykat<3

Cause this life, is too short.

Why hello cruel world.
How art thou on this fine day?
The writing on my hands still havent gone away.
The writing in my computer is still there.
Everything is not that okay at home, but I'm surviving.
My best soul friend is online.
My girlfriend is alive and well.
I am alive, and that's good enough.
I'm sick, praise jesus (Sarcasm).
I'm also typing,chatting, and reading.
I would be listening, but I need a list of my dad's rock and roll songs.
I wouldbe off sending my letter to Miranda, but the fucking tard at the store gave me a Canada stamp, rather than a US one.

Joy to the fucking world.

I'm going to try to sleep.
Just to wake up to cake on makeup,
Hide my hair disaster in my monkey hat,
and hide my frowns with a simple smile.
Maybe even record a tape with Casandrea.
I'll then make a necklace, and wear it forever.




Good times...

no?

.

Is it sad to say that I may want to start performing...
but I don't want my parents to hear me sing?

Xo Xo, Forever to grow.

She's leaving again.
Possibly going to forget me,
whether she admits it or not.
I'm her best friend,
She's mine,
But words mean nothing.
She says Terror triplets like it's a way of life.
I meant it when I said I'd be there for her for... well ever,
But It's JUST WORDS.
I know she'll go away
and totally forget about me.
Maybe not this time,
or the time after that.
Maybe not even the time after that.
But one day,
while she's out getting famous,

I will be forgotten.

...

So, I did something I thought I'd never do...
well at least for a long while anyways.
It may seem like nothing...
But I tried to sleep without music.

I can hear things talking to me,
feel things touching my bed...
I normally put on music to drain out the voices.
As scared as I was... I let them talk.

Will I actually sleep?

I don't know why, but I can't sleep.

As hard as I try, as much as they yell at me to try harder, I don't sleep.

If I do end up sleeping, it would only be for maybe an hour. Give or take some minutes.

I slept on the couch today, but even then my dad yelled at me to get up.

... what will I do?

Finally sleep for once, a good long sleep?

Or just lay awake...?

That's what's up...?

Apparently I'm four years old, and I don't understand proper English.
Apparently I'm too stupid for my parents to cope with.
Apparently my problems are causing them problems.
Apparently they love her more than they love me.
Apparently they are homophobic, too bad for me.
Apparently they don't even suspect me having a girlfriend. I only talk about her... what... 12/7?

I'm too scared to tell them I'm fourteen.
I'm too scared to stick up for myself and actually say, "Stop treating me like a child. I understand what you're talking about, so stop making me feel like a total idiot."
I'm too scared to watch, or even HEAR my mom saying, "You're making me need to take my pills."
I'm too scared to bring up the fact that they love her more than me, because they'll shout at me again.
I'm obviously too scared to lose my family over having a girlfriend, even if I'm clearly into guys as much as girls.

I think they're maknig me afraid of them, myself... and just the world.