I'm going to try to sleep.
Just to wake up to cake on makeup,
Hide my hair disaster in my monkey hat,
and hide my frowns with a simple smile.
Maybe even record a tape with Casandrea.
I'll then make a necklace, and wear it forever.




Good times...

no?

.

Is it sad to say that I may want to start performing...
but I don't want my parents to hear me sing?

Xo Xo, Forever to grow.

She's leaving again.
Possibly going to forget me,
whether she admits it or not.
I'm her best friend,
She's mine,
But words mean nothing.
She says Terror triplets like it's a way of life.
I meant it when I said I'd be there for her for... well ever,
But It's JUST WORDS.
I know she'll go away
and totally forget about me.
Maybe not this time,
or the time after that.
Maybe not even the time after that.
But one day,
while she's out getting famous,

I will be forgotten.

...

So, I did something I thought I'd never do...
well at least for a long while anyways.
It may seem like nothing...
But I tried to sleep without music.

I can hear things talking to me,
feel things touching my bed...
I normally put on music to drain out the voices.
As scared as I was... I let them talk.

Will I actually sleep?

I don't know why, but I can't sleep.

As hard as I try, as much as they yell at me to try harder, I don't sleep.

If I do end up sleeping, it would only be for maybe an hour. Give or take some minutes.

I slept on the couch today, but even then my dad yelled at me to get up.

... what will I do?

Finally sleep for once, a good long sleep?

Or just lay awake...?

That's what's up...?

Apparently I'm four years old, and I don't understand proper English.
Apparently I'm too stupid for my parents to cope with.
Apparently my problems are causing them problems.
Apparently they love her more than they love me.
Apparently they are homophobic, too bad for me.
Apparently they don't even suspect me having a girlfriend. I only talk about her... what... 12/7?

I'm too scared to tell them I'm fourteen.
I'm too scared to stick up for myself and actually say, "Stop treating me like a child. I understand what you're talking about, so stop making me feel like a total idiot."
I'm too scared to watch, or even HEAR my mom saying, "You're making me need to take my pills."
I'm too scared to bring up the fact that they love her more than me, because they'll shout at me again.
I'm obviously too scared to lose my family over having a girlfriend, even if I'm clearly into guys as much as girls.

I think they're maknig me afraid of them, myself... and just the world.